As there seems to be a demand for information and caustic commentary regarding movies which are so bad that they somehow attain a certain level of grandeur, I will employ this ongoing feature to present some of the dopiest and most absurd movies imaginable.

 

Robot Monster  (1953)  ½

A benchmark in bad sci-fi, Robot Monster foretells the destruction of the world’s populace — except for one lucky family, which happens to be picnicking in a mining quarry.  In order to complete the job the villainous Ro-Man (a guy in a gorilla suit wearing a diving helmet  with antennae!) chases the people around California’s Bronson Canyon and eventually discovers just what it is to be human (“I must — but I cannot.”).  Ro-Man uses a television screen and a bubble machine to communicate with his boss, the Great Guidance, and the Calcinator Death Ray to eradicate humans and bring dinosaurs back to life (in footage “borrowed” from One Million B.C. and The Lost World).

Originally filmed in 3-D on a budget that never topped $20,000, Robot Monster does boast composer Elmer Bernstein’s first film score… but very little else.  Ridiculous dialogue, pathetic special effects and a trick ending confirm Robot Monster‘s honored position in the pantheon of truly bad movies.

 

The Villain  (1979)  ✪

The concept — transferring the Road Runner / Wile E. Coyote dynamic from cartoon to a live action western setting — is intriguing, but this alleged comedy is as unfunny as a tomb.  Kirk Douglas stars as outlaw Cactus Jack Slade (the film’s alternative title is Cactus Jack), whose attempts to steal a passel of money from buxom Charming Jones (the ever-gorgeous Ann-Margret) and her escort, clean-living and upright Handsome Stranger (Arnold Schwarzenegger in his first major feature film) are simply embarrassing.

The film has two assets: Ann-Margret’s beauty (and ever-abundant cleavage) is easy on the eyes, and Douglas’ relationship with his horse, Whiskey.  The black horse was actually portrayed by six such animals, and his (their) tricks are the only element that even approaches amusement in this dull tale.  However, I also enjoy the surprise ending, though there’s nothing really surprising about it at all, considering the neglect that poor Ann-Margret suffers throughout the journey.  This mess was directed by former stuntman Hal Needham, and it’s not actually his worst movie.  At some point I’ll have to profile Stroker Ace, Megaforce and the Cannonball Run duo.  But this is right down there.

 

Fire Birds  (1990)  ✪

Movies about menacing helicopters were almost hot for a time following Blue Thunder, Rambo III and television’s “Airwolf.”  In Fire Birds, Apache helicopter pilots are recruited to fight the drug war in South America.  Truly mind-numbing dialogue sprouts from the lips of (Oscar winners) Tommy Lee Jones and Nicolas Cage, while Sean Young tries to prove she can fly with the big boys.

I recall two salient points about this movie.  First, it had a terrific preview, perhaps the best ever associated with a notoriously bad movie.  Second, when I ran it at the theatre I was managing, we found that the third reel was printed backwards, and the only way to tell was when Sean Young drove her car from the wrong side, on the wrong side of the road, and some subtitles that were reversed.  Most audience members never noticed.

 

Mugsy’s Girls  (1985)  ✪

Lots of college campus romps proliferated in the wake of National Lampoon’s Animal House, and this is one of the goofiest.  Also known as Delta Pi, it concerns a sorority of horny women who take a trip to Las Vegas to enter a mud wrestling contest in order to pay off a local loan shark.  Ruth Gordon is the sorority’s house mother, and their mascot is a joint-smoking rabbit named Teacup.  Pop star Laura Branigan (who just died recently) stars along with Eddie Deezen, Kristi Somers and former heavyweight boxing champion Ken Norton, who has about three lines.  Except for frequent drug use and one nude scene (courtesy of Somers), this is about as tame as a sock-hop — in the mud.

 

Mesa of Lost Women  (1953)  ½

Just as bad, if not worse, than Robot Monster, is Mesa of Lost Women, an absolutely dreadful pastiche of monster movie chichés.  Crazy scientist Dr. Aranya (that’s Spanish for “spider”) creates humans from spiders.  His Spider Women are all hot — Tarantella (Tandra Quinn) performs a sexy Spider Dance at a local cantina — while the Spider Men are all hunchbacked dwarves!  Jackie Coogan plays the crazy doc as if he were overly medicated.

Try to figure out just who is telling the story: two false starts begin the film and narrator Lyle Talbot does not seem to be in the story at all.  Completing the monotony is a music score consisting of a flamenco tune for guitar and piano played over and over and over again, sometimes so loudly that the actors cannot be heard (and which Edward D. Wood, Jr. used in his delinquent teen opus, Jail Bait).