If you have an insatiable fondness for the offbeat, the preposterous or the outlandish, then this is where you will find them… in the Bizarre Movie Zone.
No Christmas is complete without these classics that somehow never received their due when they scampered through theaters in the mid-1960s.
The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t (1966) ✪ ½
An Italian – U.S. co-production written by its fey star Paul Tripp, The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t is absolutely mind blowing on its first viewing.
It’s a musical about the efforts of one Phineas T. Prune (Rossano Brazzi, who also directed) to stop Christmas by evicting Santa Claus from the North Pole. Enter attorney Sam Whipple (Paul Tripp), who contrives with Santa to make Prune see the holiday light.
Festive as a carnival and as unintentionally funny as a dog chasing its tail, this movie is wacky. Tripp was a children’s television show host (“Birthday House”) with dreams of movie stardom that were utterly destroyed by Brazzi’s overacting, a miniscule budget, and, let’s face it, Tripp’s own ridiculous script. The makeup is garish, especially on old Mischa Auer, who plays Santa’s bookkeeper. And all of the dialogue is dubbed — badly dubbed — so the artificiality of the exercise is infinite. And wait ’til you see the flying reindeer effects.
Here’s a sample of a song about Phineas T. Prune: “We had a pet raccoon. Ate donuts with a spoon. We don’t care if don’t make sense, the name of the song is Prune. Prune, Prune, Prune, Prune, Prune, Spoon, Moon, June. Prune, Prune, Prune, Prune, Apricot? (pause) No, Prune!”
Alberto Rabagliati’s portrayal of Santa Claus is almost disturbing, he’s so down in the dumps. It might be due to the threadbare sets, the forced gaiety of the children, or because he knew he was in a genuine holiday turkey.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) ✪ ✪
Of all the bad and overly sentimental movies about the holidays, however, none match the jaw-dropping lunacy of the immortal Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.
Martian children are in the doldrums spending their time watching Earth programs, so the Martian leaders decide to bring them back to life by kidnapping Santa Claus. A group of Martians travel to Earth, capture two Earth children and find Santa Claus, bringing them all back to Mars. The Martian children are immediately happy, although Santa seems less than thrilled. Eventually a replacement is arranged so Santa and the kids can return to Earth.
Rudimentary conflict is provided by Voldar, the grumpiest of all Martians, who tries to kill Santa and the children several times, until thwarted by the Martian children who love the jolly old man in the red suit. Two Martian children befriend the Earth children, leading to an exchange of customs between the two worlds.
Along with cheap sets and costuming, this movie features priceless dialogue and a very catchy title song (done as a sing-along during the end credits). When the Earth children meet the Martians, they are naturally curious. “Who are you?” asks the boy. “We’re from Mars. Don’t be afraid — we have children just like you on Mars.” The girl asks, “What are those funny things sticking out of your head?” “Those are our antennae” is the reply. She asks, “Are you a television set?”
Those quotes indicate the high level of entertainment which can be gleaned from Nicholas Webster’s best-known feature, which was shot in an unused aircraft hangar on Long Island, NY. It is full of imagination and creativity which, unfortunately, just doesn’t make up for the film’s complete and utter ineptitude.
One of the Martian children is Pia Zadora in her film debut. Santa Claus is portrayed with dignity by John Call. And as the title song continually reminds us, “Hooray for Santy Claus!”