If you have an insatiable fondness for the offbeat, the preposterous or the outlandish, then this is where you will find them… in the Bizarre Movie Zone.

Back in Vol. 6, Issue 2, I wrote “A Survey of Shark Movies.”  Since then a number of others have surfaced, each one sillier than the next.  So as we head into summer, it’s time for a shark cinema update.

 

Raging Sharks  (2005)  ✪

Alien bungling results in a “cold fusion” device to be deposited in an ocean near an underwater laboratory cleverly named “Oceania.”  Unknown to most of the scientists, the powerful device is driving the local sharks mad, hence the title.  But all is not as it seems in Oceania, cut off from the surface and surrounded by disturbed predators.

A silly, silly movie with badly edited chomping scenes and ridiculous “suspense” concerning the recovery of the alien device.  Corin Nemec, Vanessa Angel, Todd Jensen, Elise Muller and Corbin Bernsen star in this Nu Image production.  At least the lab design is kind of cool.

Spring Break Shark Attack  (2005)  ✪ ½

This is a made-for-television production that originally aired on CBS.  Teens Shannon Lucio, Riley Smith, Justin Baldoni and others make the mistake of going to Florida for spring break at the same time as a school of tiger sharks is lured to the area to frighten — and eat — some of the young tourists.  Bryan Brown and Kathy Baker provide the adult drama regarding the economics behind the shark-luring ploy, which is not realistic in the slightest.

There isn’t much blood in this would be-PG adventure, although a few teens fall prey at the climax, when the tigers converge on a popular beach.  There is much more emphasis on teen romance and misbehavior than shark terror, although a hot quartet of “desperate housewives” (a definite spoof) starts things off quite promisingly — at least from the sharks’ perspective.  Not nearly as fun — or as sexy — as it ought to be.

Shark Attack in the Mediterranean  (2004)  ✪ ½

A German production, this film is so cheap that the American distributor didn’t even bother to design English titles.  The movie is dubbed — badly — into English, though one scene is unnecessarily subtitled!  The special effects depict sharks swimming around ridiculously fast — except, of course, when they are filmed in slow motion.  Incidentally, the script calls for male sharks but those shown are female.

There’s plenty of action in this hokum about a German helicopter pilot (Ralf Moeller) in Spain trying to save the populace from a megalodon shark — the same one which killed his wife three years earlier.  No one believes him, and a conspiracy is determined to silence his efforts.  The dramatics are actually pretty fair, but the film’s highlight is when sexy Jeanette Biedermann sings “Sixty-Nine” to the appreciative beach crowd before the climactic shark attack.

 

Blue Demon  (2004)  ✪

Perhaps the dullest shark movie in recent history, this movie posits that six Great White Sharks supposedly controlled by the U.S. military go AWOL into the sea on a blood binge.  Unfortunately for movie fans, there is little blood and no sense whatsoever.  The lead shark, Red Dog, has more charisma than human players Randall Batinkoff, Dedee Pfeiffer (Michelle’s sister) and Jeff Fahey put together.  Car chases and technobabble stand in for reputable action and plot development.

For another, far more interesting take on the “sharks as military weapons” front, try Dark Waters, a bad but enjoyable B-movie with Lorenzo Lamas and the surprisingly good Australian actress Simmone Jade Mackinnon.

 

Hammerhead  (2005)  ½

Another Nu Image project (a European studio that specializes in action-oriented fare, often involving sharks) that found a home on the Sci-Fi Channel is this Frankenstein descendant about a mad scientist who combines human and shark genes to create a truly stupid-looking hybrid creature.  I’d like to admire a movie that casts chubby, middle-aged William Forsythe as a romantic lead with sexy Hunter Tylo, but I just can’t.  This movie is so poorly edited and nonsensical in terms of everything it attempts that my brain hurt from the experience of watching it.

It is bloody, but it could have been a whole lot sexier, and it should have been entertaining instead of interminable.  I think that any Filmbobbery reader could have, under the same circumstances, made a far, far better movie.  On the other hand, who in their right mind would have wished to make this movie?