There are films, and then there are movies.  The Watch is definitely a movie, and not a very good one.  The initial distinction involves seriousness of subject or purpose, though there are movies that are quite serious, or at least seriously well produced. Ultimately, a modern movie is one that has few pretensions, existing only to make money and, hopefully, entertain its audience.  This defines The Watch to a tee — except for the entertainment angle, which is notably absent.

Disregarding its horrible crudity for the moment, the story centers on a typical middle-class neighborhood in Ohio, where the murder of a Costco guard inspires the store manager (Ben Stiller) to institute a neighborhood watch group to find the killer. Only three other people join the group: Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill and Richard Ayoade. They eventually learn that the killer was an alien, and their town is the focal point of a terrestrial invasion.  Despite some inter-group drama the four misfits band together to save the planet.  Yeah.

Akiva Shaffer’s movie fails on just about every level.  As a sci-fi tale it builds no suspense or danger whatsoever, despite two bloody slayings.  The aliens are not interesting in the slightest.  One of them surprises the men by speaking English — just once — betraying the invasion’s one weakness.  Knowing the aliens’ secret makes everyone paranoid, yet the aliens themselves fail to identify or eliminate the traitor within their own midst.  As a comedy, the movie is rarely funny, though it is at times amusing.  Other movies like The ‘Burbs have successfully mixed middle class satire and horror or sci-fi elements, but the blend here is lumpy and unsatisfying.

Furthermore — and this is what really bothered me — the crudity of the dialogue is appalling.  Most of the movie’s alleged humor has to do with bodily fluids and sexual stuff.  It just keeps coming at you, pun intended, with the worst of it emanating from the potty mouth of Vince Vaughn.  I don’t understand his appeal; his constant spew of vulgarity undermines every scene.  He is my least favorite actor on the scene today; I wish he would retire tomorrow, and I would not miss him at all.  The movie offers nothing but a nonstop parade of penis references, completely wasting the talents of its cast (including Rosemarie DeWitt, who deserves better), providing its viewers nothing for their price of admission.  What a waste.  ☆.  1 August 2012.