As there seems to be a demand for information and caustic commentary regarding movies which are so bad that they somehow attain a certain level of grandeur, I will employ this ongoing feature to present a selection of the odd, absurd and wacky movies created over the past century. The theme this issue is one actor’s occasional forays into cinematic quicksand: Michael Caine.
The Swarm (1978) ✪
Although Michael Caine has been Oscar-nominated six times and won twice, there was a fallow period in his career when his choices were, shall we say, ill-advised. The first was one of the the final disaster films of the 1970s, and one of the stupidest: The Swarm. The threat of killer bees was frightening the southern United States, and producer Irwin Allen was determined to exploit that fear. An all-star cast, led by entomologist Caine, attempts to outrun the flying pests and put a stop to their killing spree.
Like all the heroes in these disaster films, Caine seems to be everywhere, and only he and he alone can outthink the buzzing horde. The Swarm is a prime example of a movie where one gets a kick out of of seeing how the various stars perish, because we never develop feelings for any of them. The bees even manage to cause a nuclear explosion in Texas! Of all the bad movies in which Caine has appeared, this one is probably the nadir of his career.
Beyond the Poseidon Adventure (1979) ✪
Not much better is the belated sequel to The Poseidon Adventure (1972), oh-so-cleverly titled Beyond the Poseidon Adventure. The ship is still sinking, and not one but two salvage parties arrive to loot it, paying no attention to any survivors they might find along the way. This yet another Irwin Allen fiasco, full of stars who should have known better than to have signed up for this cinematic cruise into oblivion.
Caine is the captain of one salvage party, but he has a conscience and wants to help people to safety. But the other salvage crew, led by greedy Telly Savalas, has other plans, which involve gold and plutonium. Just what was plutonium doing on a passenger cruise ship? There’s an explanation but it’s wholly unimportant to the story.
Also unimportant, it would seem, is any adherence to logic or continuity. Although upside down, the luxury liner is amazingly clean and free of debris. Although one end is sinking faster than another, the sets remain level. Although this is a new story, characters do much the same thing things as the first film’s characters did. Ultimately this movie sank from sight just as quickly and surely as the S.S. Poseidon did after being turned over by a massive tidal wave.
The Island (1980) ✪ ✪
In the wake of Peter Benchley’s success with Jaws, his other novels were quickly adapted to film. The Deep (1976) is not very good but it has spectacular views of Jacqueline Bisset underwater to compensate for its dull plot. The film version of Benchley’s The Island has actual nudity, but little else to recommend it.
It’s a tale of modern piracy, as David Warner leads a cabal of greedy men and women who prey upon the yachts that venture into their general vicinity (the Bermuda Triangle). Caine is a journalist who decides to investigate the mysterious yacht disappearances, but is forced to bring his adolescent son along with him. They bond, at least until the pirates get their hands on the boy, and brainwash him into joining their debauchery.
I actually gave The Island a positive review back in 1980 but I was young and impressionable. It’s high camp, brutal and quite ridiculous.
The Hand (1981) ✪ ½
Before Oliver Stone made his Vietnam-era trilogy, he made the horror movie The Hand, in which cartoonist Caine loses one of his hands in an accident, and it comes after him with murder on its mind. (I don’t make these things up).
This offbeat film has its share of fans, but I’m not one of them. The basic premise is old hat (The Beast with Five Fingers, the Hands of Orlac, The Crawling Hand, etc.) and despite some admitted chills, the result is unimaginative and hokey. Caine does his best with the material, but what other mainstream actor would take such a role? (Jon Voight and Christopher Walken both turned it down). It’s the type of movie that lowered Caine’s prestige at the time.
Jaws: The Revenge (1987) ✪
More proof that Caine would take any role is this one, his first after making Hannah and Her Sisters. In fact, he missed the Oscar ceremony because he was filming this last Jaws entry in the Bahamas. That’s dedication.
Too bad the film is so fetid. Chief Brody is gone, and a new shark swims from Amity, New York, down the Atlantic Coast to the Bahamas to gobble the rest of the family. Enter Caine as a sightseeing service operator who takes a liking to the widow Brody (Lorraine Gary). He escorts her around the islands, blissfully unaware of the menace that stalks her. At the climax he crashes his plane into the ocean to distract the shark, then helps Mrs. Brody to kill the beast once and for all.
Thankfully, Caine would rebound from this string of turkeys and become the beloved, world-class actor that we all recognize today. But for a while, his career was bizarre.